I know it wasn't that long ago that I mentioned some big goal I have but I've already decided that thing that I want I don't want so bad anymore. Of course if by some chance it ends up happening I'll be happy but if not, no big deal. I guess I didn't really want it, and to be honest I knew that going into it. It's something that I'm sure a lot of other people aspire to, but for me not so much. The problem is though that I don't have any goals that I really want right now, and the things that other people want for me are killing me. Maybe that sounds a little dramatic, but its true. The biggest of those aspirations is of course that whole engineering degree, that I've come to realize I don't want at all. I see the kids around me, and they seem to love all of it, from the math to the computer program class, and the physics labs. For me though its all just a chore. I'm taking what I would consider a pretty normal semester credit hour wise, but every week I have a new test to study for, a big project, and due in every class (except Anthropology of course), I put off doing it, instead just sitting around worrying about it, and then spend the rest of my free time actually working on it.
And about that whole its killing me thing I don't think I'm being too dramatic. The past three weekends, which is about as long as school has been in session, I've had terrible headaches, and stomach aches. The kind of headaches that go from your eyeballs to right above the nape of your neck and right now my stomach feels so sick I feel like I need to have a trash can near by. Every time time I get a poor grade, even if its just on homework, I cry about it for an hour. I barely have time to keep my blog up and most days I don't even bother to look okay. When I'm not at school I just want to be alone.
This is all of course for a degree that I don't want. I could never see myself working, in a factory designing motors (what most mechanical engineers, especially near where I live) or anything other kind of job description that I've seen for any type of engineer. Of course though when I mention this, it doesn't matter, and as for my plan to take a semester break, of course that won't work either. As of now I'm stuck.