Keeping it to myself

Originally when I thought about writing this post, I was going to give it the title To End It, Or Hold On to Hope. You see earlier today I received an email from the author of the book, A Dream so Big, that I reviewed asking if I could clarify a part of my review where I said I didn't agree with their choices. Normally I wouldn't bother to change it, but because of my wording it sounded like they had been doing something illegal. The choice that they made that I didn't like was that they decided to have a child that doctors told them to abort, a child that lived eight days.  You see, I'm a big advocate of euthanasia. I feel that its better to end it now, stopping the pain and suffering in an instant, rather than continue, even though there is a tiny chance, against all odds, that the person could survive. 

Now this wasn't going to be my whole blog post, rather I was going to lead that into how I take the end it quickly approach to a lot of my life, something that I'm not sure is all that great. I was going to have a whole blog post about how the Big Hair is going to audition for a band in England (in case you didn't know I live in the U.S.) and how I'm not happy about it. I planned on listing all the reasons it seemed like a terrible idea, there are a lot, and leaving out the good things, of which there are few. The main bad thing is, its not a popular band so he wouldn't make anything, which is made worse by the fact that the city he's relocating to has a very high cost of living. As for the good thing, playing in a real band is the Big Hair's dream. 

The real reason, that I don't like it though has to do with me. Which I'm sure you could figure out. London is 3987 miles from where I live, and five times zones apart from mine. Realistically it would be extremely hard for our relationship to survive. I mean, the only time I would be able to see him would be in the summers, and that's when he'd be touring. Plus, even though I "trust him" I'm still a lady, one that easily gets jealous at that, so I'd be all internet stalker all the time. Plus I do require a little attention, even if I'm not getting all that much now.

Even though we could manage to hold it out until I finished school, I can tell you England isn't my dream home. I'd make 1/3 less than I would in the states (with my current major), the cost of living would be much higher, and the chances of me even being able to get a job would be quite low, due to the country's visa policy. 

With all that said, I can honestly say that I hope he gets the spot. I mean, he wants it more than anything , even if to me it doesn't make any logical sense. But that brings me to what I'd do if he got the spot, if he were anyone else I'd break up with him. I mean, I'm nineteen, I'm not just stuck with this one guy... I can see this whole slowly drifting apart, becoming too different thing that I am a little worried about. I hope though that I'd be able to hold on for 4 years, and then tough it out in a place I don't think I'd like, because I really do love him. I mean, honestly I don't think I could find another boy that I like half as much as the Big Hair, one that I would want to spend a whole day with, so even though in every other case, I'd end it, for Big Hair, I'd have whatever kind of relationship is possible at such a long distance. And who knows maybe I'd love living in London. 

Of course I can't tell tell him how I feel about his new "Big Dream",  I want him to go for it, because its really what he wants, and that brings me to what this post is really about. How I really don't talk about how I feel. But really when would I say what I think. He's never asked me how I felt. As much as I don't want this last part to turn into a this is what the Big Hair does wrong section it kind of does, but I trimmed it down to three things, so here goes. 

Over the summer when there wasn't any school, at least for one of us, my boyfriend and I would hang out twice a week. On day when I was already there, he decided that he wanted to be alone or whatever and pretty much ignored me, until I asked to go home. He did apologize for "getting like that" but didn't really seem to realize that it had hurt my feelings, and I of course didn't tell him. 

Every Wednesday we normally talk on the phone, but lately we haven't been. Really it isn't a big deal, except for the fact that he forgets that we were supposed to, or doesn't bother to tell me he planned something else until I ask what time we're going to talk. Today it was a " I'm sorry I keep getting all these chances to make money" which from him isn't a sorry at all, even when I tried to make him realize I was upset by it. He didn't even attempt to reschedule this time, but that's fine.

Then there is this band audition thing. If you've been reading, instead of skimming, then you'd already know how I feel about that whole thing, but you see its the only thing on his mind. I feel a little lot like I've been put on the back burner, and its only been a week since he's known about it. I can't pinpoint exactly how though, and now that I think about it I might be overly precise in targeting this band thing, and its more of a music in general thing that has his whole focus. 

I'm starting to feel like he doesn't really want to be with me. If I didn't text him, I don't think he'd ever text me, and honestly I'm not sure that we'd even do something together on the weekends. I feel like I'm just guilting him into hanging out with me. He comes later and leaves earlier every time, and although I'm sure he has fun when he's with me, it makes it seem like he would rather be practicing bass. That along with the fact that he never asks me how I feel about something or even how I am (more than in the casual greeting kind of way) really does upset me. 

I don't feel like Big Hair's girlfriend. More like a girl that has a crush on him, the kind of girl a boy only talks to because he feels bad for her. I'm sure I'll get a few comments saying I should just "talk to him about it" but I don't think I can. Honestly if I told him about the times that he upset me, I'm not sure that he'd care. Or worse than that he'd simply break up with me for being too much trouble.
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