I thought everything was going just fine. We've been dating for almost a year now, and I'm completely in love with my boyfriend. Big Hair is my favorite person to be around, my favorite to talk to and honestly my best friend (although since I don't have many close friends that one may not be saying much). So I'm sure you can guess how upset I was when last night I realized he had lied to me, and then made it pretty clear he didn't care.
Really though I've known something's off for awhile. Just last week I did a post about keeping things to myself, about how I've had things that upset me, most of it recent but that I haven't been telling my boyfriend about any of it. Honestly I thought it was just me being silly, over obsessive, about to start my period, stressed about school, so I just assumed I was seeing problems that weren't really there. So of course I wasn't going to concern him with imaginary problems. That was until yesterday.
On Friday I had asked my boyfriend if he was coming home or staying in Bloomington (where he goes to school) because if he came home we could hang out then since I wasn't going to see him any other time that weekend. He explained to me about a gig he had that is quite far from where we live and asked me what I thought he should do. Since it would have been a ton of extra driving I told him he might as well stay there. And that was that until, I was hanging out with my friend on Saturday (who also goes to Bloomington).
She said that on her drive home friday she thought she had passed him. Later that night I went to check my blog analytics and sure enough he was viewing Hannamarielei.com from our hometown about 9:00 friday. So of course I texted him asking if he ended up going home on Friday to which he responded "I found out the dorm was closing at 10 am the next morning, so I ended up driving back pretty late." But this of course wasn't true because my friend has seen him on her way home, and he had been checking out my posts from home at 9.
So I called him out on it. To which he didn't even bother to respond. Then like the desperate girl I am I texted him this afternoon telling him I was sorry. Sorry for what you ask? I guess for daring to ask him, and honestly I wish I hadn't. His response was that he "just wasn't feeling like being a Big Hair last night :-)" Being a Big Hair? As in being my boyfriend? I had wanted so badly for him to respond. I wanted to get in a fight with him. Tell him how I felt about him lying to me, not ever wanting to talk on the phone with me, and how I feel like he doesn't even care about me.
When I told him how it hurt my feelings that he ignored me, he said it was fair since I ignored him once, my sophomore year of high school. Oh and that whole lying thing, that didn't seem to matter to him at all. And when I asked him why he was acting like this he told me "It's just because I've had this audition thing on my mind. Once it's done Tuesday night, I'll be back to normal!" So I guess I'm just last place Lei in his world.
Right now I'm not sure what I'm going to do. I'll wait until we hang out on Wednesday and see how this goes , but I doubt it'll be any different. I mean he still has to think about if he gets picked for this Haken band. All I know is I'm not interested in someone who's going to lie to me, ignore me, and just plain old not care about me. Even if he does magically change back to the Big Hair I know and love, he's already hurt me quite a lot. I've cried so much over these past two weeks that I might just be done, I love him a whole bunch, but...
Whose to say the next time he tries for this he isn't going to act exactly the same way, because I'm almost sure he is. Oh and for those of you wondering if my boyfriend reads my blog, and if he'll see this, my answer is he does occasionally, but I don't think it'll matter. He's too busy to care about a few sentences that I message him about how I feel, so I doubt he'd even attempt to read through this wall of text. But maybe he will, and probably break up with me for being too much trouble, so that he can focus on his fancy music thing.